My mum passed away 16th July 2023 at Pilgrim’s Hospice, Ashford.
Cause of death was “frailty of old age, atrial fibrillation, ischemic heart disease, chronic kidney disease” , as well as skin cancer and pneumonia.
Here are a few posts I made on Facebook in her final weeks:
1) A few of you have been asking about my 99 year old mum,
Anyway she is going through a lot of health challenges at the moment.
Anyway. A couple of months ago we realised that she had a large growth on her left hand. She had kept it hidden from us for 3 years by wearing a glove. We thought it was a benign wart or cyst, and every time we tried to get her to a doctor she just got cross with us, and we wrongly appeased her.
Anyway, it was then diagnosed as a form of skin cancer, and it has turned into a massive tumour on her hand that has grown down into her ligaments.
I was there with her at hospital when the consultant recommended amputating her hand. It was a big shock at first, but of course it makes perfect sense when you think about it rationally. The amputation is booked for next Friday.
She was also very frail, and just drifting into sleep all the time, so we thought she would probably die soon of old age.
Then on Monday she had a fall while trying to sit back down into her arm chair. I got a phone call at 2.30am from her partner (Min) who said we should call an ambulance to check her out, but my mum was shouting and crying “No don’t call an ambulance”. Anyway, we left it a few hours and then called one.
They took her to hospital. Thankfully nothing is broken, although she is still in a lot of pain from the bruising.
Also they found out she was really dehydrated. So they rehydrated her which has given her a new lease of life. She is talking the whole time now.
She has never been a particularly “funny” person, or cracked many jokes. But she is cracking jokes all the time now. She said she was dehydrated because Min was not giving her enough beer. Then when she heard my brother was at Lords watching the cricket she kept on going on about how gorgeous the cricket players were. Then she told me she was secretly stealing the bed pans and hiding them under her blanket and was going to sell them!
The consultant told me that she is very frail, that 99 was a good age, and that she could die at any time.
I really like the line from Stephen Levine “Grief is unexpressed love”. So I am trying to express my love and gratitude to her as much as possible while she is still around.
But anyway, she is in great spirits. So all is good
2) Thanks a lot for all your kind messages everyone. I will read them out to her when I next see her. And I will also share them with the rest of my family.
I was reading them while waiting for my breakfast at the cafe in my local park. I was crying as I read them, just as my veggie fry up was being served to me, which was a bit embarrassing!
I know the NHS can be frustrating at times, but I was really impressed with everyone. The doctors and nurses were really kind. They had this sort of glowing energy about them that I normally associate with retreats. They were also all immigrants, and mostly African.
I told the nurse treating her that my mum used to be a nurse and a midwife back in the 1940s. “Oh wow” she said to my mum, “it is amazing to meet a veteran like you. How many babies did you deliver?”. “500” my mum replied.
A therapy dog (a King Charles Cavalier) also came up and licked her.
My mum also asked me: “How do you feel coming here? Depressed? Sad? Entertained?” I gave her the honest answer that I was entertained.
One thing I am really happy I did was to interview her about her life. I did it about 16 years , and also my father (shortly before he died). I got the idea for this and also the deep questions from https://storycorps.org/participate/ . I recorded the audio and posted it to https://hazelgriggs.com/ .
Around that time I also spent a weekend devoted to group primal therapy where we spent a lot of time reliving and emotionally processing our most significant childhood memories. After a lot of crying and shouting, right at the end we were given a piece of paper and pen, and instructed to write a letter of thanks to our mothers, and another one to our fathers. I gave them both these letters, and they were really moved. Our parents give so much to us, and usually get a lot of grief and neglect, but not very much gratitude.
Many years ago I gave her a photocopy of a pain meditation that I had found in a book. She found it really useful. Just the other day she screamed out in agony as her leg seized up, and she said “I will use Buddhism to deal with it. How do I do that?” she asked me. “Just relax around it” I answered. It seemed to help
She told me before that when she dies she wants everyone to be happy, and to just celebrate her life. No point in being sad. Wise words. 
3) Just to let you know that my mum died peacefully at midnight last night in the hospice. They moved her there from the hospital about 12 hours earlier.
Yesterday a lot of her family came to sit with her. It became more and more obvious how much love there was for her, which was a reflection of the love and kindness that she gave out during her life.
She died in her sleep which I know was the way she wanted to go. She did ask us not to let her die alone, so we had a rota system so that there was someone with her the whole time.
It was fantastic to have this period of decline over the past few weeks for us to adjust gradually to the new reality of her death. She radiated so much love during this time, as well as a lot of humour. Also gratitude. She would call a nurse over just to thank her.
The nurses and doctors at both the hospital and hospice were really fantastic. They joked with her and were very kind and gentle with her.
As she became increasingly confused, it allowed a deeper part of her to shine through – just based on love, peace and letting go.
Over the past week she kept on saying ‘If I die, do not cry’. She did not want to hurt us. Needless to say I cried a lot.
As Kahlil Gibran put it “But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.”
It also brought the family a lot closer together. I connected again with distant cousins I had not seen for 50 years.
She is at peace now. The struggle is over.